Identity lost & found

Other than a little bit of work with my part-time (well, very part-time) business, I don’t really have a ‘real’ job right now. I guess the tiredness and dizziness are making me hold back a bit. Not sure.

We’re doing alright financially because our debt is gone and I am enjoying this time, but I don’t feel the need, or don’t have the confidence, to work for someone else. I prefer the freedom of owning my own business.

But lately I haven’t had the umph or even desire to pursue more work than I’m doing right now.  Has our debt-free situation made me lackadaisical? Has Leuk made me too tired? Or am I just too comfortable?

I’m not really complaining. I do find lots to do during each day. I just sometimes feel like my purpose is gone. It might just be a guy thing, but there is a certain amount of identity lost when not working.

All my married life my wife has tried to convince me that my identity is more than my job. It’s family. It’s being a dad and now a grandpa. My kids and grandkids are my real accomplishments, my real purpose.

I’m just now, after all these years, beginning to understand that.

I am so proud of my daughter and son. They have accomplished so much. And their kids (my grandchildren) are awesome.

When my boys run up to me all excited about seeing their Afi, I feel like there’s nothing else in the world I should be doing.

And when I hold my son’s baby, my heart is warmed; I’m saturated in love. There in my arms is a bit of my legacy all wrapped up in a little squirming boy.

I guess I’m in that strange transition from worker to retiree. In an odd way, it feels too soon and yet it feels just right.