Me and Leuk - Living with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia CLL

Know thy enemy

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I forget about Leuk when I’m feeling good. He hides in the closet like an old stuffed animal long forgotten. But sometimes the animal comes to life.

It always takes me by surprise when he comes out and I have a down day. I get up in the morning and start planning the day, hoping to cross off all sorts of To Dos from my Too Due list. Then the tiredness or dizziness hits and my day is screwed.

Lately it only lasts for half a day and so I do accomplish something. Either way though, half day or full one, it catches me off guard.

Truth is I go for many days just fine. That’s probably why I’m so surprised when Leuk shows up.

I get mad at myself, mad at Leuk, or just generally torqued off. I’m used to doing, not sitting.

I’ve been thinking lately about the word ‘acceptance’ and what it means in my relationship with leukemia. Ever since Leuk arrived I’ve resisted accepting his presence. I act as though he’s not really there. That’s usually pretty easy to do since I’m still in the early stages.

I’m beginning to realize that accepting my condition doesn’t mean I’ve given up and Leuk has won. Instead, I think it helps me fight him all the more. Accepting his presence is a good thing. In acknowledging him I can focus on beating him.

So, if you’re fighting against Leuk, accept him as real. Come to know him. Know thy enemy.

Accepting him is not giving in. Instead it is part of our winning strategy.

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1 Response

  1. Jan says:
    April 30, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    When I went to 12-step meetings, I learned awareness, acceptance, action. Acceptance meant not giving any value judgment to whatever; then and only then, could I act in a different way. It took me many years to accept the fact of depression in my life and NOT “being a depressed person.” I can see how Leuk could totally define you, so I am glad you write about your relationship with Leuk and life.

    I am sorry when Leuk shows up.

    In a lesser degree, I can see how a person forgets such a disease. I’ve been doing that with RA, as the meds were working so well that I was reducing some. But pains are coming back, which reminds me RA is not gone and never will be. I need to re-accept that, too.

    Thanks for sharing, Jim.